Friday, 10 August 2012

Mother ….

MOTHER, At 52 i find myself brought once again tae my emotional knees. from your sick bed the poison once again leeches oot across the distance ,the vile language and pure hatred targeted towards me ..

 

Even though after a recent bought of crap from you over the phone ,and once again saying to myself enough was enough and vowing THIS time i mean it , i have had enough , and saying in my mind in the end it is Mel and me and the wee ones ..

 

A phone call from Jane tae say you were in hospital having had a fall and breaking your leg. Once again i found myself dashing to be at your side , because above all else I LOVE YOU ..  and care..

 

So filling a rucksack i headed doon from the Highlands tae the hospital frantic that you would be ok..

 

In the morning arriving on the ward tae find you in pain but bright , the relief that you would be ok.. ( In my mind , a wee thought maybe THIS time it will be different )

 

After the visit back tae the house and for the next ten days , cleaning, scrubbing , hoovering were the order of the day , with hitched visits tae and from the Hospital  each visit nicer and more relaxed than the last . Apart from the inevitable argument with my sister ( a wee story i will spare and poor bugger that has began tae read this )I truly believed , it would be ok ..

 

BUT as has happened hundreds of times in the past .. A FEELING of HERE WE GO AGAIN washed over me , a call in the morning , your tone changed and withoot warning as has always been the case in the past.  the conversation left me dumb founded followed by the LOUD CLICK OF THE PHONE BEING SLAMMED DOON ..

 

Sitting there as over the next few hours message after message was left , each one more and more confusing till in the end , I was made to believe IT was me that had HUNG UP on you..

 

Then eventually  picking up the phone  only tae have you reel off a load of shit and SLAM the phone doon again..

 

After talking tae Mel , and hearing you had phoned her and hung up o her,i decided i needed tae get back home for a day or two  knowing YOU would be cared for ..

 

Over the years the many many emotional upsets you have laid at my feet , i have tried tae forgive and forget and start afresh .. But always the wait for the day when you would change ..

 

Always my faults from years ago trotted oot for all tae see , but NEVER yours eh. Like the time both Gran and Grandfather DIED and you DID not tell me till both were in the ground ..

 

Like everything NEVER discussed but swept under the carpet for fear of upsetting YOU.. 

 

Or the TIME when Mel was going through chemo for the second time and waiting for a course of radiotherapy . We got a phone call tae say you were in hospital and asking us tae come to be by your side , and even though Mel was spewing into bag after bag from the drugs , both of us dashed up from Reading tae be at your side , and after spending the night in the car till we could get in tae see you , ONLY then finding oot you had been released the day before , so we went tae Helensburgh tae see how you were ..

 

After the day chatting and with the Hospital appointment for Mel and the radiotherapy the next day we headed off with you wanting me to come back up and take you down tae live with us ..

 

But as has always happened and after dashing back doon  going through the pain of seeing Mel starting the next treatment and dashing back up tae get you and bring you down YOU changed your mind 2 minutes after me arriving ( asking WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING ??..) So back down the road i went and after some calls from you and several messages again filled with hatred another episode began where i resigned myself tae the fact THAT IS IT enough is enough …

Thinking that For the next year and not the first time  No return call  to our hundreds of calls NO letter replied too from the many many cards and letters , was what was on the way

(although harder each time Eventually after the blaming of myself and the hours trying to work out what to do , time moved on and eventually peace and balance returned too OUR lives .. )

 

 

During the next few months i was glad you had ‘FALLEN’ oot with us . we were able to concentrated on helping Mel get through that stage of her Cancer treatment and as always happens time away from you meant once again balance entered oor lifes ..

 

Then one day out the blue another call from YOU.. and as usual started as nothing ever had happened and being someone that simply wants us tae get on ,i would in my own mind start afresh..

 

This time you were really ILL and wanted and needed us hame , you were scared etc and would we please come home tae be with you .. The urgency in your voice convinced us there was no choice and after a heated debate between me and Mel ( Mel NOT wanting tae go through the shite again, and i couldn’t blame her , BUT WHAT COULD I DO , she is my MOTHER) we sat down and agreed  ..

 

We had no choice we had tae sell the bus and everything we owned , WE had tae stop the way we LIVED ie travelling and get tae Helensburgh as quick as possible tae be at her side..

 

Within a week we were on the beach homeless and with NOTHING except an old car we had bought ..

 

You turned on both of us and that was that ….

 

Again vowing that was IT ,never again would we fall for that shite ever again, AND IF YOU WANT TO JUDGE ME READER , THEN FINE JUDGE AWAY..

 

So MUM from your bed , YOU carry on and bad mouth me tae all that will listen , I am sure many will rally tae the side of this sweet old lady..

 

BUT FOR US BOTH , NEVER , NEVER WILL YOU HERE FROM US ..

 

Love and light

 

So now with tears wiped and the hurt easing quicker as it has done over the years , Time for me and my wife tae return tae the simple life . NO more will you have my wife in tears for NOTHING , NO more will WE  sit and try and work it all out ( LIFE IS WAY TOO short) NO more will that sinking feeling invade our lifes.. I RECKON AFTER 52 YEARS I DESERVE A BREAK …

 

SO FROM YOU BED , YOU CARRY ON AND SLAG ME OFF , TWIST THE TRUTH ALL YOU WANT , WE KNOW LONGER CARE …  AND IN THE END WE KNOW THE TRUTH

 

TOO ANYONE THAT HAS READ THIS, JUDGE AWAY , ALL I CAN SAY IS I TRIED MY BEST , IT WAS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH …

 

andy x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A wee film about us on STVs the HOUR SHOW click on STV logo to see the film

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Andy the Daft Hermit lives 45 minutes outside Inverness with his wife Mel in an old bus parked in a layby. This current home of theirs is the longest they have ever stayed in one spot. “I’ve been travelling now 25 years,” said Andy Lowe. “Mel’s been travelling 15. One of the reasons we’ve come and stayed up here is because of Mel’s health. I wanted to bring her to the mountains for fresh air and clean water and just a slower pace of life.” Mel has had breast cancer twice, skin cancer once, and for three years believed she had bone cancer after being wrongly diagnosed. Andy’s belief in the restorative powers of the north made them pack up ‘The Black Bus’ that they live in and cross the border into Scotland. New Highland home for hermit couple Andy and Mel “I think we both believe in trying to get to a more simple way of life,” said Andy, “but it’s strange for us because we are sort of hermits, or we like to live separate, but it’s not being anti-social… it’s just the way we are that allows us to be creative.” Andy first began travelling when he left the army. Fed up with bureaucracy he packed a rucksack and left for France and has been travelling ever since. By investing any money the couple have earned into solar panels and wind generators they now live a self-sustaining existence, without electric bills, and collect rain water “straight from Heaven”. “It’s not easy,” said Mel. “There might be time when there might not be enough facilities around, but you always find a way, you know?” Rather than rejecting technology, Andy blogs about his travels online and collaborates with artists from around the world via his ‘Scratchy Heid Film Studio’, which he runs from a static trailer next to the couple’s bus. He explained his philosophy: “My belief is that if you can go through life and you drop dead and you’ve got a balance there that slightly outweighs the good than the bad, you’ve done alright. “Yesterday, with what Mel’s been through with the cancer and all that, I had a woman on one of my sites there that thanked me for the writing, for the positive things, and to me that’s worth everything. You can keep your millions, we’re not interested. That is what we do.” To check out Andy’s artwork and video projects check out his website. MORE FROM THE NORTH

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